10 Ways to Procrastinate When You're Writing for a Deadline

Sally was elbow deep in marinara at 6:30 in the morning when she realized how absurd it was that she'd decided to make several pans of lasagna before getting the kids off to school. The insanity of it all got her thinking, Why am I chopping garlic while even the sun is still sacked out?

A familiar maniacal, malevolent little voice whispered, “You’re procrastinating again!” That’s when she started making a list, a list of all the ways she procrastinates when she's writing for a deadline.

We all have surreptitious distractions. We - The Sometimes Procrastinating Word Girls - would love it if you shared some of yours with us. Make a list (it’s actually another great way to procrastinate if you’re writing for a deadline, too).

Here’s Sally's:

YOU KNOW YOU’RE WRITING FOR A DEADLINE WHEN

1. You decide to make pans of lasagna for the entire neighborhood; and actually like the smell of garlic that has infused all of the curtains in your house.

2. You write the thirty best poems you’ve ever written in your life (and you’re not working on a poetry compilation).

3. You visit every possible writing website in existence, print out articles, read them and try to convince yourself that you're in the process of 'feeding yourself a sustaining inspirational meal-of-words.'

4. You get excited when you hear the buzzer go off on the drier, coffee maker, or the stove . . . when the doorbell rings, the mail arrives, or your most obnoxious neighbor stops over for coffee.(If any of my neighbors are reading this . . . I'm not talking about YOU!)

5. You talk to your friend on the phone for four hours, analyzing a dream she had about Steven King, an auburn horse and the End Times.

6. You blog, you respond to all of your old e-mails, you check your e-mail (again). You read your friends' blogs. You check your e-mail (again). You respond to new e-mails. You check your e-mail (again and again and again and again).

7. You find Oprah particularly sagacious in an interview she’s conducting with Jim Carrey. As you watch, you’re rapt and convince yourself that this show is part of your research/incubating/character blah, blah, blah and that the exact nugget you need for your plot will probably come from this consequential hour of TV.

8. You actually look forward to exercising. Cher and Richard Simmons tapes from the 80’s are inspiring you to lose the 10 pounds you gained while eating chocolate donuts and writing the first half of your book.

9. You are awakened by wolves howling in the night. When you fall asleep you dream that your editor has grown excessive amounts of facial hair and is howling at the moon, chasing you, growling and asking where your manuscript is.

10. You take up knitting, take a trip, take your time when you walk the dog.

11. You decide to organize every closet in your house, make plans for a kitchen remodel and order seeds for the garden you’ve always dreamed of planting.

12. You make a list called YOU KNOW YOU’RE WRITING FOR A DEADLINE WHEN . . . and submit it to your favorite writing magazine.

13. You break into an anxiety induced sweat, finally put your butt in a chair, and start writing. Keys start clicking, kinks in your cerebellum unravel, words begin to flow like faucet water. You’re actually enjoying yourself, you're on a roll, when . . . your three-year-old enters your office and asks you to play!